Author: Aparna Malladi
You know you are different when your life experiences don’t match any of those in the zeitgeist. The TV shows, the movies, the contemporary novels and the gossip within your sisterhood.
You feel the alienation from the world you exist in. You hide and do not share your stories and experiences. You make up stories to fit your world because you are ashamed of your unique uniqueness. You become a liar to seem normal and to be part of this flow of humanity.
At night when the doors are shut and windows closed and the lights are off, you become your true self and you feel relief. And then you feel sad that perhaps you are alone and the only one of your kind. Perhaps you are a mistake or that you are born 100 years too early or perhaps you are the last of an extinct species.
The loneliness is scary and killing. Your insides call for someone who might not even exist. You hope that the longing will force the universe to manifest another – One of your own kind. Someone who will not just see and accept your so-called imperfections but recognize and celebrate them.
I am a ghost sometimes when I haunt the nights. Sometimes I walk in the night searching for someone and when I don’t find anyone I come home tired and disappointed. I am dying a slow death. One caused by a beautiful and empty world. This is my pain – To live in a beautiful world and no one to share it with.
I have tried to connect as normal do and every time I come out feeling the futility of doing so. Acutely aware of my so-called imperfections and my alienation.
I often fantasize about meeting my own kind – That moment of recognition when there will be no use of words and gestures or even action. When it will undeniable. When I will feel whole and I can spill and spread like water. When I can be shameless and reveal myself completely. Yes, I indulge in that fantasy as I roam this earth aimlessly.
Sometimes I fear that I will destroy this universe so I can die with it and hopefully create one without my loneliness. I have even thought of splitting myself in two so I can have another. Sometimes when the pain of it all becomes unbearable I dive underwater and sit there holding my breath in silence. I become so still so no one knows I exist. One day I want to become so still so even I don’t know I exist and then – I won’t.